Equinix opens scary-good data center in Transylvania

In a move to meet customer demand for edgier, more terrifying colocation, Equinix has opened a state-of-the-art data center in historic Transylvania.

The new Transylvania 1 (TS1) facility is built on a narrow rock outcropping and surrounded by a ring of water nicknamed the "The Moat of the Damned." The facility's physical and psychological deterrents set new standards in security, said security head Jason Voorhees.

"The blood-curdling screams coming from that moat are unnerving and the constant smell of burning sulfur portends a horrifying and inescapable doom," Voorhees said.

"Plus, just to get to the drawbridge, visitors need to clear five layers of security, including an ax-wielding madman and a biometric reader.

During the presale period, TS1 was staffed by a skeleton crew made up entirely of locals. Talent recruiter Michael Myers said their performance was stellar.

"We were looking for a workforce that was out for blood and slept standing up, so to speak, and we found one," he said.

The only quirk, Myers added, is that the older workers refuse to take day shifts.

"Also, when the younger workers are in the sun, their skin glitters like diamonds," he said. "I'd love to ask about that, but it doesn't seem politically correct.

TS1 is setting new standards in sustainability. The teams prefer to work in complete darkness, which dramatically lowers power demands, and the high altitude facilitates a free-air cooling system of remarkable efficiency.

"The colocation floor is like a crypt, and I'm drained of all hope whenever I step into that terrible darkness," said head of operations, Fred Krueger. "But these guys fly around the overhead cable trays like they're under a spotlight.

Norma Bates transferred from Equinix's CH3 facility in Chicago because she'd always been intrigued by the Transylvania region. She admitted there's been a bit of a culture shock, including the local dietary customs.

"There's a total prohibition on foods with garlic in the common area, which is tough because I'm half Italian," she said.

Whatever their diet is, Bates added, it works great. "We were looking at old photos of our sales engineer Mary Shelley and she looks exactly the same as she did when she graduated high school in 1904.

Bates's co-worker Clarice Starling has been impressed with how civic-minded her new colleagues are.

"It seems like there's a blood drive every week," Starling said. "I'm afraid of needles, but they assured me there's no needles involved, somehow.

Starling said she's growing fond of her new home, but admitted she wishes there was a wider selection of fast food locally.

"When I found out the closest Chipotle was in Germany, it was like stake through the heart, which, by the way, is an expression I've learned not to use around the locals," she said.

This post is obviously a Halloween spoof, and we'd like to assure you there is nothing scary about any of Equinix's 145+ data centers.

That is, unless you are frightened by direct and secure high-performance interconnection on a global data center platform of unmatched quality and reliability. Then we're terrifying!

Article by Phil Schwarzmann, Equinix